All in all it's just another brick in the wall All in all you're just another brick in the wall
Lyrics from Pink Floyd – The Wall
Recently I was asked what the ten bricks that my ex and I agreed on as we began couples' therapy when I started my gender transition were. Here is a foggy recollection about the bricks in the wall. As it's been a few years, I don't recall every brick, so I have listed what I believe they were.
The one brick we always agreed on was our kids. That brick is about all that's left in the wall now that years have passed.
When it comes to connecting to a story of acceptance, each of these bricks became discussions in couples' therapy. As we discussed each brick, the resulting answer caused the brick to fall out of the wall. When the wall of a relationship crumbles, so too does the foundation of trust, it was built upon. I still say to this day; we loved each other; there just wasn't acceptance; that's why true love/unconditional love is love & acceptance for me.
Back in 2018 I did write and perform a play for Sarasvati Productions, in that play, I covered this topic, so I provide a first-ever free excerpt of that production, which is my exclusive copyright. By sharing this excerpt, I do not grant any license to use, re-use/repurpose, perform or adapt this material for any purpose.
I Have 99 Problems My Penis is Just 1 of Them©
Written & Performed by Cynthia Fortlage
Scene Six: Love Isn't Enough
CYNTHIA: Love isn't enough.
There must be love and acceptance.
When we think of love, trust always comes up.
A relationship is like a wall built on trust.
The wall is comprised of bricks representing aspects of the relationship that keep it strong.
Sometimes, a brick gets loose, and you need to communicate to make it strong again.
Overtime you can build a mighty wall as a relationship faces so many issues.
This is true IF the relationship is built on equality of each individual in the relationship.
But when one partner is so much stronger, the wall becomes reflective of that one.
I was so young, I acquiesced for a large part of 32 years.
I accepted she must be right.
I wasn't even confident enough to question her when I thought she wasn't.
I even started to tell myself lies to justify the relationship.
"Happy Wife, Happy Life"!
What about my happiness?
I didn't even know what I wanted to be happy about.
Once I figured out what I wanted to be happy about, I couldn't speak of it.
I acquiesced away decades of my life.
I even remember the great advice I always used to share with young grooms.
Three magic sentences to a happy married life.
"You're Right Dear"
"I am sorry Dear"
Those are not the words of a strong individual.
Those are the words of a coward who can't face being themselves.
They became so ingrained in me that even as I grew in my career and became stronger, I continued to acquiesce.
And those bricks, they began to get loose.
The more authentic I started to become to myself.
The less I acquiesced.
Those bricks they not only got loose; some fell out.
In the end, we decided that 10 bricks really mattered.
Only 3 were still in the wall.
And 1 of those was our kids. [end scene]
So, what were the bricks in the wall, here is my best recollection, it's an incomplete list. Some items I think are self-explanatory as to their significance, others I will add some details to clarify it for you:
Stand with me when I Lead
I am a natural leader, and I knew I would be leading, and I wanted them by my side.
Where we live
When I came out to the neighbours, I had a hand put in my face and told me to go back to my side of the street and be me I was not welcome there anymore.
I was to move out of the master bedroom and into the basement
How far will I go in transition?
Do I have bottom surgery – penis was the last part of him
Don't blow our retirement on the transition
The importance of the topics in those moments may seem less than significant now, but the turmoil associated with such life-changing events makes it difficult to keep a clear head. That's why we worked with a mental health professional as we worked through these difficult discussions.
In the end, there was not acceptance, and as each brick fell out, the wall continued to crumble. "Where we live" was our last major brick, when it fell out, I knew that was the end.
Having love & acceptance is truly loving unconditionally.
Con Amor Y Abrzos de Colombia